Before I proceed with the rest of this post, allow me to share the following results of my race from last Saturday. I ran the 5th Annual Winterlaufe in Frankenmuth, MI (an 8k race …about 4.97 miles). It was the 2nd time that I ran this particular race and partially based to a very mentally tiring week at work and partially because this latest #polarvortex is driving me CRAZY … it was not my best effort.
Net time: 1:02:11
Overall Place: 413 of 555
Gender Place: 234 of 268
Age Place (for 35-39): DEAD LAST (my streak continues … yeah!)
I still think this is a decent effort considering I’ve taken the last 21 days off from training (still having pain in my knee) and Frankenmuth got about 8,000 inches of snow during the race.
Maybe that’s an exaggeration.
The real reason that I run the Winterlaufe is that it gives me an excuse to visit Zehnder’s Restaurant, which is famous for its all you can eat chicken. I understand that the same reason is used by my friend Angela as motivation for this year’s run too.
Tired, chilled, and hungry, Angela and I stumbled into the concluding part of our Winterlaufe ritual and began to consume cottage cheese, garlic bread, liver pate (well, she did … more on that shortly), chicken, potatoes, hot tea, Mt. Dew, Mug Root Beer, cranberry sauce, orange sherbet (well, she did … more on that shortly), chocolate ice cream, stuffing … and some other stuff that I don’t remember 48 hours later.
Keep in mind, the aforementioned foods were not eaten in the order I’ve written them down … it was really kinda a free-for-all.
Between courses, we somehow began a conversation/debate on the rules for eating food. As we talked, Angela reminded me, many times, that I have some strange rules. This coming from a person who put chicken seasoning on her cottage cheese. She later dared me to put down in writing my rules for the consumption of food.
Hence today’s blog. And yes, this may be the reason that I am still a slow runner … but at least my stomach is happy in doing so! 😉
Let the rules began!
- Chicken must be white meat only and preferably breasts, thighs, and drumsticks. Upon being told that drumsticks are dark meat, this rule may be revisited upon closer inspection of my next set of drumsticks.
- Outside of BWW’s (or a similar place), wings are not to be consumed (and then only if they’re boneless).
- Always say “No Thanks” to asparagus because it makes your pee stink and that will destroy your nostrils. Without nostrils, you will be forced to breathe through your mouth and God knows what can enter your system by doing so because your mouth is bigger than you nose. So … PROTECT YOUR NOSE AND DON’T EAT ASPARAGUS!
- The vegetables that are green (with the exception of lettuce) must be placed in the 3 o’clock area of the plate.
- The meat portion must be placed in the 9 o’clock area of the plate and never touch the green vegetables (with the exception of lettuce).
- Mashed potatoes must never, EVER, have gravy on them. However, if this cannot be avoided the only kind of gravy that is acceptable is brown gravy.
- When eating Frosted Flakes, two additional scoops of sugar is required. Three if you’re eating the bottom of the box.
- The only kind of milk that is acceptable is whole milk (especially when drinking chocolate milk). Don’t even get me started on the evils of 2% chocolate milk … water.
- Orange juice must never contain pulp! It is more ideal, in order to avoid the attack of surprise pulp, to go with cranberry or apple juice if available. Tang will also suffice.
- If using jelly … it must be grape jelly AND NEVER JAM!!!
- If eating grapes, only green or red and ALWAYS SEEDLESS!
- White bread only, otherwise just eat a tree.
- There is no such thing as grape drink … only red Kool-Aid.
- If eating a non-caesar salad, dressings should be french and blue cheese (if available). The order of which the dressings are placed should be french first, followed by the blue cheese. However, the opposite order is acceptable.
- If Blue Cheese is not available for the aforementioned rule, ranch maybe used (but must be placed on the salad after the french).
- If french is not available, only blue cheese or ranch may be used.
- If neither french nor blue cheese is available … skip the salad and get clam chowder.
- If clam chowder is not available, skip the salad/soup portion and go right for the bread and/or main course.
- If clam chowder, french or blue cheese is not available and caesar salad is the only option … proceed with caution.
- If caesar is not available, leave and go to Bilbo’s Pizza and/or Pizza Hut.
- When ordering root beer, Barq’s is never acceptable. In fact, Barq’s can bite me … and not in that way.
- Meat should be ordered medium because it has enough pink to make vampires think you are one of them, yet it’s done enough to allow for adequate digestion.
- On a baked potato, rock the butter and sour cream.
- When ordering a pizza, pepperoni and sausage works well. Avoid vegetables if possible, but for the benefit of the greater good, do not stand in the way of a supreme (but only if it’s pan pizza). The mere presence of the pepperoni and sausage can save a supreme pizza from being inedible.
- When dealing with fruit, the only acceptable ones are apples, oranges, and grapes. No peaches, no pears, and definitely NO STRAWBERRIES EVER!!! Cherries can be consumed if dunked in an alcoholic drink or a Shirley Temple.
- The only way a strawberry should ever be consumed should be in the form of Red Faygo pop or a strawberry daiquiri.
- Tomatoes are fruits trying to pass themselves off as a vegetable. As a result, they should be punished by only consuming them via ketchup.
- Salt only … no pepper … ever!
- Eggs, scrambled only or omelet. And by the way … NO PEPPER on the eggs.
- French toast and pancakes are good. Make sure you have enough syrup to enjoy all of them (don’t let them dry up).
- If you have leftover syrup, it is OK to have it touch cottage cheese so that the syrup doesn’t go to waste.
- Plain maple syrup …’nuff said.
- Large curd/small curd cottage cheese … either one is good!
- The only kind of nuts that should come close to your mouth are peanuts (preferably salted dry roasted or honey roasted). Pecans & walnuts are CRAP!!!
- Speaking of peanuts, it should never be found in Watergate salad, ice cream, cakes, cupcakes, or brownies.
- Soft shell tacos only, with extra sour cream. However the Moe’s Stacks are delicious and is the only allowable violation of this rule.
- Livers are to clean your system of alcohol, not to put in pate or to consume in anything at all!
- It is permissible to mix chocolate ice cream and vanilla ice cream. It is not permissible to have those in Neapolitan ice cream because of the evil vibe that comes from the strawberry (see aforementioned rule regarding strawberries). This prohibition also includes orange sherbet which can only exist at the table if consumed by someone else and only because orange is an allowable fruit under the fruit rule.
Not quite 87 rules, but I’m sure the more I think of my quirks, the more I’ll come up with.
In the meantime, let those of you who are also OCD when it comes to our food, ASSEMBLE and have the strangest family served gathering at Zehnder’s sometime soon!