Sometimes All That is Left is the Leaving

Today I made a decision – one of the most difficult decisions that I’ve made in a while.

Today, I made the decision to lose.

Today, I made the decision to stop fighting for a friendship.

Today, I made the decision to lose a very close friend.

And now that the decision has been made and it’s been enacted (how’s that for legislative/parliamentary talk) – there’s part of me that feels great about it. I was so tired of trying to figure things out, so tired of walking on glass, so tired of keeping my head down so I wouldn’t get shot.

There’s another part of me that is extremely sad. So many years spent telling jokes, watching favorite TV shows and movies together. So many years where I was pushed out of my comfort zone to try new things (sushi, running, Marvel & DC comics, trivia, etc).  So many years supporting one another through the good and bad.  So many beers and miles traveled together.

And now that’s all gone. But, it’s not really gone because it will always be in my memories and my heart … right?

The thing that is really scary for me right now is that this wasn’t a decision that I planned in advance.  It didn’t even happen in person. It happened over fuckin’ Facebook.

So not only is there a part of me that is happy and a part of me that is sad, but there is also a part of me that is unsure that it was the right decision.

Great, there’s that second guessing part of me.

Here’s the thing – I’m pretty sure it was the right decision.  For almost a year,  we hadn’t really been speaking with each other. Yes, we asked “How are you?” and all of the niceties of our society.  There were the many concerns shared with each other about the Jaycees.  And on occasion there were some jokes shared.

That, I think, was just a mask for a deeper issue.  I sensed there was something wrong and even now I can’t put my finger on what it was, but it was there and it festered and festered until today’s blowup which led to the decision. And of course, in my mind I am the one who has to fix everything so that everything is right for other people, I’m kicking myself for not being able to keep the festering away.

But I didn’t and eventually all that was left is the leaving. I guess sometimes that’s all you can do.

And that brings up another part of me … the guilty feeling part.

Like me, my friend is dealing with major depression.  There’s lot of advice columns on the interwebs that tell you how not to treat someone with depression. A common suggestion: “Don’t give up on them.”  

Well shit, I guess I did that with today’s decision.

But I am so tired.  Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to help. Tired of mentioning something positive only to be met with negativity or apathy.  Tired of being tired.  Tired of feeling like I’m not a good friend because I try and fail to be supportive (which triggers my depressive spirals).

Many times over the last few months a line from The Last Five Years kept jumping in my head.”You never knew I had run out of rope”  If you can’t talk to one another, how are you going to be able to tell when someone is at the end of their rope (or the relationship’s rope for that matter).

Sigh … well, whatever caused this to happen … it’s done and now I’ve lost my friend.

At the end of the blow up, I said, “I can’t do it anymore. So maybe that will be our story … I don’t know. I hope that you will be well and someday we’ll find our way back to each other.”

I truly do mean that.

I hope that I will be her friend again and that she will be my friend again someday.

“I was so happy but joy in this life seldom lasts.” – The Lighthouse’s Tale, Nckel Creek. 

My iPod seems to know what kind of mood I’m in. I have many good memories of the last eleven years. There was a lot of great times. 

I had a good friend. And those memories? 

They’re gone now. 

 At the end, all I have is the leaving.